For the third time in only a few weeks, New York Governor David Patterson has appeared before the press to confess his personal failings. This time, the governor revealed that he is a lifelong kleptomaniac.
Mr. Patterson's latest press conference took place on the steps of St. John the Divine in Harlem, where he appeared wearing a burlap sack and with his head covered in ashes from the fireplace in the governor's mansion. Behind him was a sizable pile of mismatched baggage. Mr. Patterson stated that the bags were filled with items that he had taken over the years, mostly from hotels and restaurants. "I just couldn't help myself", he cried in an agonized voice. "I hope the voters can forgive me". Reporters who inspected the bags found that they were, indeed, mostly filled with towels, bathrobes and ashtrays, with a smattering of table linens and dinnerware. There was also a thirty-gallon trash can filled with old newspapers, which Mr. Patterson said had been taken from his neighbors' front porches. Intriguing, but unexplained, were a few odd items: a g-string, a woman's wig, and a set of false teeth. Mr. Patterson said that the luggage also had been stolen, from airport carousels. "I got them right out from under the owners' noses," Patterson boasted. "I must have been in it for the thrill."
After ending the conference, Mr. Patterson returned twice more, once to confess that he had sold steroids to most of the New York Yankees, and again to admit that as a child, he had often spent his lunch money on penny candy. Aides prevented him from returning a third time, but as they bundled him into his limo, he was heard shouting that he sometimes walked his dog without a pooper scooper.
A lawyer, a psychiatrist and a rabbi, neighbors of Mr. Patterson who agreed to comment, seemed nonplussed at the revelations. "I wonder if a judge can just force him to take the Fifth Amendment," mused the lawyer, while the psychiatrist suggested that, regularly taken, large doses of thorazine might help. "Either that, or a good dope slap," the psychiatrist added. The Rabbi, meanwhile, excused himself, saying he had to go over to the synagogue to see if anything was missing.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Fed Cuts Prime to Minus 2
In a bold move designed to stimulate the economy, stem the growing tide of mortgage defaults and forestall runs on investment banks, the Federal Reserve has cut the prime lending rate to minus two. In effect, anyone who borrows money from now on will be getting paid by the U.S. Government.
Ben Bernanke, the Fed chairman who replaced Alan Greenspan, explained that there was no other way to convince banks to get back into the lending business. "The problem with keeping the rate above zero is that you still need to have banks that are willing to lend money." Under this scheme, Bernanke said, "Banks can afford to pay customers one percent on any loan they take out, while the Federal Reserve will pay the banks two percent. Everybody gets a little love." Bernanke pointed out that variable interest rate loans would automatically begin paying interest to home owners as soon as the loans were due to reset. "But there's no reason to wait for it to happen. My advice to Americans is, 'go out now and borrow a bundle.'"
Supporting Bernanke's "win-win" argument, Treasury Secretary Paulson stated that the Fed's move would also take care of any problems in the job market. "From now on, no one has to worry about their job going overseas. In fact, nobody even needs a job any more. All you need to do is figure out how much money you'd like to earn and take out a loan for one hundred times that amount each year. Fifty percent of Americans could probably do the math in their heads."
Paulson admitted that repayment of the principle was still a sticky issue, but said that in all likelihood banks would have to repay customers who borrowed money rather than the other way around. "If it's a positive rate, the customer pays interest and repays the loan. So if it's a negative rate, the bank has to pay. That's just logic." Asked by skeptical reporters if the plan might not lead to greater inflation, Paulson cranked his arm like someone operating an old-fashioned printing press and said, “Clickety-clack."
Among administration officials, only President Bush seemed to cast doubt on some aspects of the plan. "People who take out a loan like this on their house might lose their mortgage deduction, see, 'cause the loan is actually kinda like income." On the other hand, the President thought that by borrowing really huge amounts of money, ordinary citizens could make it into the top income bracket and thus lower their taxes.
Ben Bernanke, the Fed chairman who replaced Alan Greenspan, explained that there was no other way to convince banks to get back into the lending business. "The problem with keeping the rate above zero is that you still need to have banks that are willing to lend money." Under this scheme, Bernanke said, "Banks can afford to pay customers one percent on any loan they take out, while the Federal Reserve will pay the banks two percent. Everybody gets a little love." Bernanke pointed out that variable interest rate loans would automatically begin paying interest to home owners as soon as the loans were due to reset. "But there's no reason to wait for it to happen. My advice to Americans is, 'go out now and borrow a bundle.'"
Supporting Bernanke's "win-win" argument, Treasury Secretary Paulson stated that the Fed's move would also take care of any problems in the job market. "From now on, no one has to worry about their job going overseas. In fact, nobody even needs a job any more. All you need to do is figure out how much money you'd like to earn and take out a loan for one hundred times that amount each year. Fifty percent of Americans could probably do the math in their heads."
Paulson admitted that repayment of the principle was still a sticky issue, but said that in all likelihood banks would have to repay customers who borrowed money rather than the other way around. "If it's a positive rate, the customer pays interest and repays the loan. So if it's a negative rate, the bank has to pay. That's just logic." Asked by skeptical reporters if the plan might not lead to greater inflation, Paulson cranked his arm like someone operating an old-fashioned printing press and said, “Clickety-clack."
Among administration officials, only President Bush seemed to cast doubt on some aspects of the plan. "People who take out a loan like this on their house might lose their mortgage deduction, see, 'cause the loan is actually kinda like income." On the other hand, the President thought that by borrowing really huge amounts of money, ordinary citizens could make it into the top income bracket and thus lower their taxes.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Geraldine Ferraro Calls Patterson “Lucky”
Immediately after stepping aside from her role in the Clinton campaign so she could continue to express herself freely, Geraldine Ferraro has called David Patterson, Elliot Spitzer’s replacement as Governor of New York, lucky to be both black and a blind man. Speaking to a reporter for the “Stars and Bars Shopper”, a small Florida panhandle weekly, Ms. Ferraro is quoted as saying, “I mean, black and blind both! How lucky can you get? It’s the only reason a guy like that is now governor of New York. If he had 20/20 vision and was white, he’d probably be stuck being an airline pilot.” Asked to amplify her remarks, Ferraro would say only that “If Mr. Patterson had been gay, it would have been like hitting the trifecta”.
Ms. Ferraro denied that her remarks were either racist or insensitive, citing as evidence her collection of Stevie Wonder recordings and her own history of personal handicaps. “Don’t try to say that I am lacking in sympathy for the less fortunate. As I have shown on many occasions, I myself am both tone-deaf and short-sighted”. Ferraro emphasized that she was no longer speaking as an official in the Clinton Campaign. “It’s my foot and my mouth. I’ll put ‘em where I please.”. A Clinton representative, asked to comment on Ms. Ferraro’s decision to step down, expressed regret that she would no longer assist with the campaign. “Geraldine helped Walter Mondale to win Minnesota in the 1984 presidential race, and later he went on to be ambassador to Japan. We were hoping that she could be at least as useful to us this time around”.
Ms. Ferraro denied that her remarks were either racist or insensitive, citing as evidence her collection of Stevie Wonder recordings and her own history of personal handicaps. “Don’t try to say that I am lacking in sympathy for the less fortunate. As I have shown on many occasions, I myself am both tone-deaf and short-sighted”. Ferraro emphasized that she was no longer speaking as an official in the Clinton Campaign. “It’s my foot and my mouth. I’ll put ‘em where I please.”. A Clinton representative, asked to comment on Ms. Ferraro’s decision to step down, expressed regret that she would no longer assist with the campaign. “Geraldine helped Walter Mondale to win Minnesota in the 1984 presidential race, and later he went on to be ambassador to Japan. We were hoping that she could be at least as useful to us this time around”.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Prophet and loss
KHARTOUM, SUDAN, DEC 5, 2007. Three American cultural ambassadors have been arrested here for mocking the name of the prophet. Maurice Morton, Hammond B. Hamilton , and Edward Edwards, visiting Khartoum on a tour to promote understanding between Christians and Muslims, stood up to introduce themselves in a cultural exchange meeting at a local mosque. Standing in a row, they waved and said in turn, “Mo”, “Ham”, “Ed”. Sudanese participants in the conference immediately called the police and had them arrested. They are charged with deliberately “mocking, poking fun at, misspelling or making a rebus of” the name of the prophet, a crime punishable by beheading, stoning, whipping, or having your beard severely trimmed, at the discretion of the judge. At the very least, they will be deported on a plane normally used to transport camels.
Authorities contacted here said they were certain they were dealing with a plot to defame the prophet, not just an innocent mistake. “It does not even matter if they stood up and ‘edhammo’ or ‘hamedmo’ , said a police official. “We know what they were up to.” He also indicated that there may even be additional charges. “By God, we have examined their shoe soles to make certain they have not been walking about printing anti-Islamic propaganda in the sand.” The same official stated that the nickname “Ham” was offensive all by itself to Muslims, and added that Mr. Edwards’ fingerprints, “if you squint at them and hold them a certain way,” appeared to spell naughty words in Arabic, but he declined to name the words.
A lawyer for the defendants, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the law is very strictly applied, and has been used to punish spelling out the name of the prophet in a football cheer and using alphabet soup letters. He stated, too, that Sudanese citizens are forbidden to eat Danish since a Copenhagen Newspaper published controversial cartoons about the prophet last year.
Crowds of angry Sudanese rioted in the capital on news of the arrests, demanding death to all infidels and also an extra helping of millet. A spokesman for Sudanese President Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan al-Bashir hinted that the three men were Israeli agents and said the president would demand that western countries remove the syllables mo, ham and ed from all dictionaries or he would declare a jihad. But he added that if "somebody important" came to visit him and "brought a nice gift", the whole problem might go away.
Authorities contacted here said they were certain they were dealing with a plot to defame the prophet, not just an innocent mistake. “It does not even matter if they stood up and ‘edhammo’ or ‘hamedmo’ , said a police official. “We know what they were up to.” He also indicated that there may even be additional charges. “By God, we have examined their shoe soles to make certain they have not been walking about printing anti-Islamic propaganda in the sand.” The same official stated that the nickname “Ham” was offensive all by itself to Muslims, and added that Mr. Edwards’ fingerprints, “if you squint at them and hold them a certain way,” appeared to spell naughty words in Arabic, but he declined to name the words.
A lawyer for the defendants, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the law is very strictly applied, and has been used to punish spelling out the name of the prophet in a football cheer and using alphabet soup letters. He stated, too, that Sudanese citizens are forbidden to eat Danish since a Copenhagen Newspaper published controversial cartoons about the prophet last year.
Crowds of angry Sudanese rioted in the capital on news of the arrests, demanding death to all infidels and also an extra helping of millet. A spokesman for Sudanese President Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan al-Bashir hinted that the three men were Israeli agents and said the president would demand that western countries remove the syllables mo, ham and ed from all dictionaries or he would declare a jihad. But he added that if "somebody important" came to visit him and "brought a nice gift", the whole problem might go away.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Heart of Dogness
Republican candidates have been drawn into the controversy about Congo’s Law, a proposal in New Jersey to give judges wider leeway for mercy when evaluating dangerous animals. The law has been proposed in response to the case of Congo, a Princeton, New Jersey German shepherd condemned to die as a “vicious dog” for his attack on a Honduran landscaper.
While John McCain and Mike Huckabee have refused to comment, Huckabee pointing out that while the Bible does cover landscaping in the Book of Genesis, it gives no guidance on dog handling, the other candidates have already weighed in. Rudy Giuliani claimed that when he was mayor of New York, the number of attacks on Hondurans by German Shepherds declined by one hundred percent. “Not a single Honduran was bitten when I was Mayor, not even by a Yorkshire Terrier,” Giuliani stated proudly. Duncan Hunter declined to endorse the law, but attributed the problem to New Jersey’s strict gun laws. “If that Mex boy had him a Ruger up in his pickup, this never would have happened,” Hunter declared. Similarly, Ron Paul stated his firm opposition to new laws of any kind, while Fred Thompson stated that it was a private matter. “We are well past the day when a German shepherd could bite a person of color in public,” Thompson said. “But on private property, well, that’s another matter.”
Only Tom Tancredo expressed outright enthusiasm for the law, stating that any dog that bit an immigrant was a hero in his eyes. Tancredo not only approved of the law, but he called on the Governor of New Jersey to pardon Congo, and said that he would nominate the dog for the Medal of Freedom. “The only thing that bothers me is that his name, Congo, doesn’t sound very American,” Mr. Tancredo said. Mitt Romney, who waited until the other candidates had spoken before making any remarks, issued this statement through a spokesman: “It’s bad for dogs to bite. On the other hand, Mitt is concerned that if they do not pass this law, Princeton may become a sanctuary suburb where illegal immigrants can taunt American dogs and get away with it.”
Finally, President Bush, when asked what he thought Congo might say if he could speak, clenched his teeth as if talking through a muzzle and squeaked, “Arf. Please don’t kill me”.
While John McCain and Mike Huckabee have refused to comment, Huckabee pointing out that while the Bible does cover landscaping in the Book of Genesis, it gives no guidance on dog handling, the other candidates have already weighed in. Rudy Giuliani claimed that when he was mayor of New York, the number of attacks on Hondurans by German Shepherds declined by one hundred percent. “Not a single Honduran was bitten when I was Mayor, not even by a Yorkshire Terrier,” Giuliani stated proudly. Duncan Hunter declined to endorse the law, but attributed the problem to New Jersey’s strict gun laws. “If that Mex boy had him a Ruger up in his pickup, this never would have happened,” Hunter declared. Similarly, Ron Paul stated his firm opposition to new laws of any kind, while Fred Thompson stated that it was a private matter. “We are well past the day when a German shepherd could bite a person of color in public,” Thompson said. “But on private property, well, that’s another matter.”
Only Tom Tancredo expressed outright enthusiasm for the law, stating that any dog that bit an immigrant was a hero in his eyes. Tancredo not only approved of the law, but he called on the Governor of New Jersey to pardon Congo, and said that he would nominate the dog for the Medal of Freedom. “The only thing that bothers me is that his name, Congo, doesn’t sound very American,” Mr. Tancredo said. Mitt Romney, who waited until the other candidates had spoken before making any remarks, issued this statement through a spokesman: “It’s bad for dogs to bite. On the other hand, Mitt is concerned that if they do not pass this law, Princeton may become a sanctuary suburb where illegal immigrants can taunt American dogs and get away with it.”
Finally, President Bush, when asked what he thought Congo might say if he could speak, clenched his teeth as if talking through a muzzle and squeaked, “Arf. Please don’t kill me”.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Republican Candidates Race to the Bottom, but the Audience Gets There First
For anyone who missed the CNN Republican candidates’ debate last night, Here it is, boiled down to its essentials. As in the CNN Democratic debate, the audience played a significant role, so their contribution has been included. In many cases, not all candidates answered the questions, but their thoughts were apparent and have been included for your convenience, in brackets.
Question Number One, from Earyl in Rounders Bend, Montana:
EARYL (drooling, holding up his pants with one hand while playing with the safety of a Desert Eagle with the other): Which one of you pilgrims has got the biggest piece? And are you gonna mess with my rights to carry this one? Don’t worry, (giggles) I haven’t shot up the schoolhouse yet.
DUNCAN HUNTER: In the American tradition, I am armed to the teeth. So is my family. My little grandson, he’s so cute, you should see him with his twenty-gauge that his Mamma gave him.
MITT ROMNEY: My sons have guns! My sons do! Three of them! Guns, that is. I love guns! Guns are great! Guns …
MODERATOR: Time’s up!
MITT ROMNEY: …Guns !
RUDY GIULIANI: Guns? I don’t need no stinkin’ guns. I am Rudy damn Giuliani, and you had better watch out.
TOM TANCREDO: [When are they going to ask about immigration? When?]
FRED THOMPSON: Boy, you don’t get to see my piece. Only mah waf gets to see that big boy!
AUDIENCE: Laughs, scattered boos.
RON PAUL: [ ~sigh~ These sub-cretin anti-intellectual yahoos never stop yammering on about their guns. Why don’t they just read None Dare Call it Treason? That explains everything.]
MIKE HUCKABEE: As the only bona-fide Christian minister up on the podium, I am armed with the Bible.
JOHN MCCAIN: [Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
Question Number Two, from Earryll, in Apocalyptic Revelation, Alabama:
Earryll (staggering back and forth in front of the camera and struggling to hold up an enormous Bible): I have a question, which if answered properly, will unlock the secrets of the Universe, and all of you had better get it right or God will punish you. What is your interpretation of the Whore of Babylon?
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval, menacing foot stamping.
DUNCAN HUNTER: I read the Bible every day to my family. And the whore of Babylon, obviously, is Hillary Clinton.
AUDIENCE: Laughter, shouts of agreement.
MIKE HUCKABEE: I believe in every word that’s in the Bible, literally. Except the part about plucking out your own eye. I don’t go there.
MITT ROMNEY: I believe in the Bible too, including the part about plucking out your own eye! In fact … (tries to pluck out his own eye, is restrained by moderator and Rudy Giuliani).
RUDY GIULIANI (breathing hard): Whew. I carry a bible with me everywhere. Under my shirt. In case one of my ex-wives or children takes a shot at me.
FRED THOMPSON: I have the words of the good book tattooed all over my private parts. But I’m not gonna show you, ‘cause they’re private.
TOM TANCREDO: [When are they going to ask about immigration? When?]
JOHN MCCAIN: [Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
RON PAUL: [ ~sigh~ These sub-cretin anti-intellectual yahoos never stop yammering on about their Bibles. Why don’t they just read Protocols of the Elders of Zion? That explains everything.]
Question Number Three, from Earryylleene in Flashback, Nevada:
EARRYYLLEENE (sitting primly with hands in lap): I would love to get a job mowing lawns, scrubbing toilets or cutting up dead chickens in a smelly factory, but I can’t get hired because of all these Mexicans everywhere. How quickly will you throw them out? Also, if I get an abortion, which one of you will punish me the hardest?
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
TOM TANCREDO: [At Last!]
FRED THOMPSON: That’s a two part question. I don’t answer two part questions.
RUDY GIULIANI: When I was mayor of New York, I ratted out thousands of illegals to the federal government…
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
RUDY GIULIANI: Thanks. But the federal government never deported any of them.
AUDIENCE: Boos, Jeers, small objects thrown.
MITT ROMNEY: When I was governor of Massachusetts, I was as mean as can be to immigrants! I wouldn’t let them go to school or hospitals or drive a car!
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
MITT ROMNEY: Thanks! But the liberals in my state would not let me waterboard them!
AUDIENCE: boos, jeers, Chairs thrown.
MITT ROMNEY: (pointing) Aa-and that guy, Rudy, he operated a sanctuary city!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Giuliani.
RUDY GIULIANI: (pointing back) Well, Mitt, you ran a sanctuary mansion!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Romney.
MITT ROMNEY: (pointing) Aa-and that other guy, Huckabee, he ran a sanctuary state and had a sanctuary in his church!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Huckabee.
MIKE HUCKABEE: Well, now, let’s remember that we are all children of God.
AUDIENCE: Weeps, kneels, prays. Stars and Bars waved.
MODERATOR (coming out from behind RON PAUL, where he has been crouching): Let’s get some of the others in here for comment. And thanks to the audience for being so lively.
DUNCAN HUNTER: I’ve already taken the first step by putting up a huge honking fence between my district and Mexico. It’s got two walls, a road in between, watchtowers with machine gun mounts. When I am president, I will extend this wall around the entire United States, including Alaska and Hawaii. We’ll also have to mine the harbors and flood all the fields, in case the immigrants try to parachute in.
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
TOM TANCREDO: I just want to say how happy it makes me to see everyone up here trying to out Tom Tancredo Tom Tancredo in being harsher and more bigoted toward immigrants than Tom Tancredo. But it is just not possible. Sorry!
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
JOHN MCCAIN:[Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
RON PAUL: I am the only candidate up here with a workable, constitutional solution to this problem. It’s obvious if you read the “Proceedings of the Tri-lateral Commission” that these 12 million Mexicans are agents of a foreign power. So the solution is to give them all citizenship…
AUDIENCE: Jeers, boos, chairs thrown, fists shaken, weapons brandished.
RON PAUL: Wait, wait… and then try them all for treason and execute them!
AUDIENCE: Wild applause. Frenzied dancing in the aisles. Pistol shots.
MODERATOR: Well, we have time for just one more question. Traditionally, it’s lighthearted, so…
Question Number Four, from Sal, in Flatbush:
SAL: Yo, Rudy! What’s up with rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series?
RUDY GIULIANI: I am a Yankee fan first, an American League fan second. So if the Yanks don’t make it to the series, I root for the AL team, Sal.
MITT ROMNEY: And in Massachussets, we hate the Yankees! Hate ‘em like sanctuary cities! Go, Sox!
AUDIENCE: Dead silence.
Question Number One, from Earyl in Rounders Bend, Montana:
EARYL (drooling, holding up his pants with one hand while playing with the safety of a Desert Eagle with the other): Which one of you pilgrims has got the biggest piece? And are you gonna mess with my rights to carry this one? Don’t worry, (giggles) I haven’t shot up the schoolhouse yet.
DUNCAN HUNTER: In the American tradition, I am armed to the teeth. So is my family. My little grandson, he’s so cute, you should see him with his twenty-gauge that his Mamma gave him.
MITT ROMNEY: My sons have guns! My sons do! Three of them! Guns, that is. I love guns! Guns are great! Guns …
MODERATOR: Time’s up!
MITT ROMNEY: …Guns !
RUDY GIULIANI: Guns? I don’t need no stinkin’ guns. I am Rudy damn Giuliani, and you had better watch out.
TOM TANCREDO: [When are they going to ask about immigration? When?]
FRED THOMPSON: Boy, you don’t get to see my piece. Only mah waf gets to see that big boy!
AUDIENCE: Laughs, scattered boos.
RON PAUL: [ ~sigh~ These sub-cretin anti-intellectual yahoos never stop yammering on about their guns. Why don’t they just read None Dare Call it Treason? That explains everything.]
MIKE HUCKABEE: As the only bona-fide Christian minister up on the podium, I am armed with the Bible.
JOHN MCCAIN: [Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
Question Number Two, from Earryll, in Apocalyptic Revelation, Alabama:
Earryll (staggering back and forth in front of the camera and struggling to hold up an enormous Bible): I have a question, which if answered properly, will unlock the secrets of the Universe, and all of you had better get it right or God will punish you. What is your interpretation of the Whore of Babylon?
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval, menacing foot stamping.
DUNCAN HUNTER: I read the Bible every day to my family. And the whore of Babylon, obviously, is Hillary Clinton.
AUDIENCE: Laughter, shouts of agreement.
MIKE HUCKABEE: I believe in every word that’s in the Bible, literally. Except the part about plucking out your own eye. I don’t go there.
MITT ROMNEY: I believe in the Bible too, including the part about plucking out your own eye! In fact … (tries to pluck out his own eye, is restrained by moderator and Rudy Giuliani).
RUDY GIULIANI (breathing hard): Whew. I carry a bible with me everywhere. Under my shirt. In case one of my ex-wives or children takes a shot at me.
FRED THOMPSON: I have the words of the good book tattooed all over my private parts. But I’m not gonna show you, ‘cause they’re private.
TOM TANCREDO: [When are they going to ask about immigration? When?]
JOHN MCCAIN: [Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
RON PAUL: [ ~sigh~ These sub-cretin anti-intellectual yahoos never stop yammering on about their Bibles. Why don’t they just read Protocols of the Elders of Zion? That explains everything.]
Question Number Three, from Earryylleene in Flashback, Nevada:
EARRYYLLEENE (sitting primly with hands in lap): I would love to get a job mowing lawns, scrubbing toilets or cutting up dead chickens in a smelly factory, but I can’t get hired because of all these Mexicans everywhere. How quickly will you throw them out? Also, if I get an abortion, which one of you will punish me the hardest?
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
TOM TANCREDO: [At Last!]
FRED THOMPSON: That’s a two part question. I don’t answer two part questions.
RUDY GIULIANI: When I was mayor of New York, I ratted out thousands of illegals to the federal government…
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
RUDY GIULIANI: Thanks. But the federal government never deported any of them.
AUDIENCE: Boos, Jeers, small objects thrown.
MITT ROMNEY: When I was governor of Massachusetts, I was as mean as can be to immigrants! I wouldn’t let them go to school or hospitals or drive a car!
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
MITT ROMNEY: Thanks! But the liberals in my state would not let me waterboard them!
AUDIENCE: boos, jeers, Chairs thrown.
MITT ROMNEY: (pointing) Aa-and that guy, Rudy, he operated a sanctuary city!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Giuliani.
RUDY GIULIANI: (pointing back) Well, Mitt, you ran a sanctuary mansion!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Romney.
MITT ROMNEY: (pointing) Aa-and that other guy, Huckabee, he ran a sanctuary state and had a sanctuary in his church!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Huckabee.
MIKE HUCKABEE: Well, now, let’s remember that we are all children of God.
AUDIENCE: Weeps, kneels, prays. Stars and Bars waved.
MODERATOR (coming out from behind RON PAUL, where he has been crouching): Let’s get some of the others in here for comment. And thanks to the audience for being so lively.
DUNCAN HUNTER: I’ve already taken the first step by putting up a huge honking fence between my district and Mexico. It’s got two walls, a road in between, watchtowers with machine gun mounts. When I am president, I will extend this wall around the entire United States, including Alaska and Hawaii. We’ll also have to mine the harbors and flood all the fields, in case the immigrants try to parachute in.
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
TOM TANCREDO: I just want to say how happy it makes me to see everyone up here trying to out Tom Tancredo Tom Tancredo in being harsher and more bigoted toward immigrants than Tom Tancredo. But it is just not possible. Sorry!
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
JOHN MCCAIN:[Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
RON PAUL: I am the only candidate up here with a workable, constitutional solution to this problem. It’s obvious if you read the “Proceedings of the Tri-lateral Commission” that these 12 million Mexicans are agents of a foreign power. So the solution is to give them all citizenship…
AUDIENCE: Jeers, boos, chairs thrown, fists shaken, weapons brandished.
RON PAUL: Wait, wait… and then try them all for treason and execute them!
AUDIENCE: Wild applause. Frenzied dancing in the aisles. Pistol shots.
MODERATOR: Well, we have time for just one more question. Traditionally, it’s lighthearted, so…
Question Number Four, from Sal, in Flatbush:
SAL: Yo, Rudy! What’s up with rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series?
RUDY GIULIANI: I am a Yankee fan first, an American League fan second. So if the Yanks don’t make it to the series, I root for the AL team, Sal.
MITT ROMNEY: And in Massachussets, we hate the Yankees! Hate ‘em like sanctuary cities! Go, Sox!
AUDIENCE: Dead silence.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Pervez Takes It Off
In a ceremony that amazed both supporters and detractors, President Pervez Musharraf bared all as he removed his general’s uniform by performing a strip tease before a cheering mass of soldiers in Lahore. The general has said that his uniform was like a second skin, and he proved it as he took it off, piece by piece.
The ceremony, already unusual because it was open to the public, began conventionally enough as a Pakistani Army Band in kilts played “Auld Lang Syne” on bagpipes, followed by the Lahore Bell Choir’s interpretation of Baluchi folk favorites. And when Mr. Musharraf stepped up to make a few remarks, no one expected anything but the usual valediction. But Musharraf first stunned, then wowed the crowd as he winked at the band, then launched into a roaring and well-rehearsed rendition of “Let Me Entertain You”.
He started by peeling off first one long silk glove, then the other, then turned his back to the crowd of soldiers and removed his ascot as he sang over his shoulder. The audience of enlisted men whistled and stamped their feet as Mr. Musharraf removed his army jodhpurs, then produced a butane lighter and set fire to them, in an obvious dig at Hillary Clinton’s asbestos pantsuit. Musharraf showed real mastery of the technique as he whirled each garment around his head, then tossed it to the screaming front row of hand-picked officers. When he got down to a tiny black speedo and cavalry boots, the troops began to wave dollar bills, and Mr. Musharraf pranced at the front of the stage so they could tuck them in anywhere they would fit. But at the very end, they were disappointed when Mr. Musharraf would not go any farther, despite raucous shouts of “show us your baton ”.
Around the world, not everyone was as pleased with Mr. Musharraf’s performance as the troops. Muslim leaders and Mitt Romney expressed sharp disapproval, with Mr. Romney calling the display “disgraceful” and calling for Musharraf to resign his generalship. Informed that Musharraf had resigned his generalship, Romney blinked and began muttering “sanctuary cities” over and over again. But North Korea’s Kim Jong Il said that he would offer Musharraf a starring role in his new musical about a successful tractor factory.
The ceremony, already unusual because it was open to the public, began conventionally enough as a Pakistani Army Band in kilts played “Auld Lang Syne” on bagpipes, followed by the Lahore Bell Choir’s interpretation of Baluchi folk favorites. And when Mr. Musharraf stepped up to make a few remarks, no one expected anything but the usual valediction. But Musharraf first stunned, then wowed the crowd as he winked at the band, then launched into a roaring and well-rehearsed rendition of “Let Me Entertain You”.
He started by peeling off first one long silk glove, then the other, then turned his back to the crowd of soldiers and removed his ascot as he sang over his shoulder. The audience of enlisted men whistled and stamped their feet as Mr. Musharraf removed his army jodhpurs, then produced a butane lighter and set fire to them, in an obvious dig at Hillary Clinton’s asbestos pantsuit. Musharraf showed real mastery of the technique as he whirled each garment around his head, then tossed it to the screaming front row of hand-picked officers. When he got down to a tiny black speedo and cavalry boots, the troops began to wave dollar bills, and Mr. Musharraf pranced at the front of the stage so they could tuck them in anywhere they would fit. But at the very end, they were disappointed when Mr. Musharraf would not go any farther, despite raucous shouts of “show us your baton ”.
Around the world, not everyone was as pleased with Mr. Musharraf’s performance as the troops. Muslim leaders and Mitt Romney expressed sharp disapproval, with Mr. Romney calling the display “disgraceful” and calling for Musharraf to resign his generalship. Informed that Musharraf had resigned his generalship, Romney blinked and began muttering “sanctuary cities” over and over again. But North Korea’s Kim Jong Il said that he would offer Musharraf a starring role in his new musical about a successful tractor factory.
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